My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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