Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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