Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
