just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
