the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
