oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
