omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
