I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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