oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
