It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
