You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
and she was petting her beer can
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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