i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
