My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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