we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
