im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
