Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She's the barista slut.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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