We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
