You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
