drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
