My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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