Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
