first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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