Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
