i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
