Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
