omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
