I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
