my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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