so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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