she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
