Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
