I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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