I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
