im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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