I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
