If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
