I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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