At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
