After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
