just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
