I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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