I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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