today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
