I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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