Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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