dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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