it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
