Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
