You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
