I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
